A Synthesis of Circuitous Relapses

Got to thinking about the dog who goes in circles so much that he ends up biting his own tail. ALso thought about, as an artist, how I attempt to create events in my life before they actually occur...within Being that is. It takes time for the spirit to show up within an event...all else is forced into Being because of my needs and ends up being false.

In many cases, my words and dreamy ponderings attempt to captivate others, the same function as art that speaks to you. But then I live in this illusion (of a real event) just long enough to see its flaws (because it is objectified, not real, controllable as a creation of art, techne)...and it shatters. The ideal or the creation is gone and I am left with only these shards, the casing that I created only with the essence, missing...the real life force, silenced...just me standing there alone, flapping my gums.

But now I realize that it takes time...Unfortunately everything does take time. It can't all be syntheses...rather a long duration of acts, determined by ethics and discipline followed by series of surprise visitations by Being, or syntheses.

Like in Heidegger's Being and Time, he sees time as part of being "the eternal recurrence of the same events" which I believe could include the discipline of the artist and then those WOW moments when all synthesizes into a BEing moment, when you feel that Being has shone through or upon you and the object created.

But what about the opposite, which Heidegger also addresses (as well as all existentialists), the Nothing. The artist, as a channel for Being, becomes a wide open space so she is continually within the Nothing or the Being, fluctuating as a messenger between the two.

However, when plunged into the Nothing sometimes the artist becomes a mere observer for what is happening around her. She becomes absorbed by the Nothing, and begins a series of circuitous journeys. As a messenger turned observer, she cannot return to the self because she no longer recognizes it. She has merely become a tool for either the Nothing or the Being (which may no longer visit her).

In her visionary work, she carries Being across dark empty space to fuse with objects (trying to bring dead matter to life!). However, within this harrowing process, she forgets she exists. Instead, she goes in circles, between the Nothing and the self that she can no longer locate. She gets stuck in this circular motion...and instead of returning to a realized self, she objectifies herself within a series of self-absorbed observations, never reaching the place that links inner and outer space...an integrated self. She has just sacrificed herself in order to bring Being to the Objects.

Within the circle, she ends up only seeing her own rear end (like the dog). Eventually, she is tired of looking at her rear end so she bites it (dog biting her own tail). She finally finds herself, but only accidentally and only through the act of self-mutilation...self-sacrifice gone bad. Ummm, waiter, can I have a little sadism with my masochism? ...yes, this happens for a reason as well...sacrificing those who are close to us, sacrificing ourselves.

Or maybe she attacks herself for fear of being attacked by another, a foreign element that she is exposed to (and unaware of) while within the Nothing.

This is, I think, when artists become self-mutilators. And the solution is to stay with the "eternal recurrance of the same events," only within the discipline of your art...and NOT to confuse beings (other artists who are channels for God or Being) with Being (God). This is the mistake I've often made, confusing an intermediary source for the actual source, Being.

Now, I need to become my own intermediary source, linking up with Being in a less serious and more joyful way!!!!